Call Me an April Fool

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Call Me an April Fool

[A satirical attempt to fit into as many Literotica categories as possible.]


Robert Reams

Many thanks to Pilot and one other for editing

Goddamn! Shit! I am so pissed off. Who the fuck ever invented April Fool’s Day anyway? Fucking asshole. Even so, how could she have done this to me?

It all started last Friday, March 27th. I should have known something was going on, but I have been so busy, so distracted, I barely knew what day it was. I got this call from Sylvia, my loving wife. There was to be a party, a small social gathering at our house on Wednesday night. “Wednesday?” I had asked, “A weeknight? Kind of a strange day for a get-together?”

“Oh, don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud,” she answered. “I remember when you used to party every night.”

“Yeah, well, those days are pretty much gone, don’t ya think? Anyway, I have only two more weeks on the MacGuffin deal. I’ll never be ready in time.”

“Well, then you won’t. What difference is one night gonna make?”

“Well, geez, babe, ya know, I gotta work. I got a job to do, mortgage to pay, all that. It ain’t easy, ya know.”

“I know, sweetie. But do this for me? Just this once? Please?”

When she put it that way, I had always been helpless, had always been a sucker for that sweet, innocent look she managed to transmit, even over the phone.

We had been together for five years, Sylvia and I. I had been taken in thrall the first time I had ever seen the way her flaming locks formed upside down question marks around her full, luscious breasts. The rest of the package did nothing to detract from that beauty. Jasmine is tiny, five foot one and a half, weighing in at around eighty-five pounds. A milky way of freckles adorns her fair cheeks and pert nose. When she gets excited, they glow a deep neon red. Her lips are full, soft cushions of hot flesh. Her hips flare wide, then tuck tight around her firm butt. Her legs are trim and shapely; she loves to wear tall heels to tighten her calves. But even in heels her nose never rises past my sternum. I am six-three and weigh in at around 225. I used to play O-line in high school, but like most of us, I’ve started to turn a bit to flab.

She had me wondering what could be so important it had to be completed by Wednesday night. But then my desk phone rang. My Boss. Charley Griffen, the boss of all bosses, wanted to discuss the MacGuffin account, so Sylvia and Wednesday night were easily forgotten.

I thought no more about it until Monday evening. When I arrived home from work, Sylvia waited, ice cold Manhattan cocktail in hand, dressed in nothing but her tiny French maid’s apron, dinner already on the table. Dumbfounded, I dove into the homemade shrimp scampi and antipasto, finished off with a frozen vanilla Italian ice. Dazed and sated, I sat back with my hands folded over my belly like a dime store Buddha, reluctant to ask about my good fortune. I rose to replenish my drink, but Sylvia interposed her body between me and the booze.

“No more booze tonight, Jack. I want you unimpaired for later. Now go take a nice, long, hot shower. I’ll come in a few minutes to wash your back.”

An hour later, playfully working my soft-on with both hands, Jasmine began her pitch. “That was good, wasn’t it, Jack? With us it is always pretty damn good. But poker oyna you know, er, lately I been thinkin’.”

“What is it, babe?”

“Well, you know I’ve got this thing planned for Wednesday night. I didn’t think it would be fair to just spring it on you, so I decided to tell you what I have planned.”

“Uh oh! What do you have on your evil mind?” The grin on Sylvia’s face widened, looking for all the world as if she were hatching some grave conspiracy. “Come on, out with it,” I insisted.

“I have invited a very good friend to share our bed.”


“I think you heard me, Jack. I said I have invited a friend to have a threesome with us.”

“Are you serious?”

“Serious as a heart attack, Jack. You know you have always wanted a threesome. How many times have I heard you fantasize about it?”

“Well, uh, holy shit, tell me more.”

“Well, Paddy and I go way back. We have been friends since high school. Recently we ran into one another again. I have been thinking about this for a while. Just like that, over coffee, Paddy started talking about threesomes. Seemed perfect. So I went ahead; I set it up. It is happening Wednesday night.

“One thing you have to know, Jack,” she continued. “If this is happening, it is happening on my terms. When you come home on Wednesday night, I will be in charge. You will follow my instructions, my lead, or it isn’t going to happen. Do you agree or not, Jack?”

“Okay, okay, Sylvia, I agree. Wednesday night, threesome, you in charge. Got it. So, tell me more about this Patty. What is she like?” By this time, Sylvia’s fondling, plus thoughts of another woman in our bed, had my soft-on reverting quickly to its former hardness. So, I flipped her over, went for it. I knew she loved it by her gasps and moans. I kept driving until I shot my load, finishing up in her tight, juicy ass. I was sure she had her usual orgasm, because she loves me to fuck her long and hard.

Wednesday finally came. I was itchy and irritable all day, even pissing off MacGuffin, almost losing the account. I couldn’t wait to see the other woman Sylvia had invited to our bed. God, that very night I would have two warm pussies, two hot mouths, two tight assholes. Too bad, I thought, I didn’t have six dicks.

I found myself whistling on the way home, “the monster” already stirring in my slacks. Dinner was Sylvia’s amazing pot roast, but I barely tasted anything, did not even scarf up seconds. As I was wiping my mouth with a napkin, Sylvia came up behind me to place a blindfold over my eyes. “No fair peeking,” she said playfully. “Your surprise is starting.”

Sylvia placed my right hand on her shoulder, leading me to our bedroom as if I were blind. She backed me up against our bed. Slowly she undressed me, pausing to softly caress all those sensitive places a loving wife knows about. When she knelt to remove my shoes and socks, she took “the monster” full in her mouth. For such a tiny woman, she has an enormous capacity to take cock in her throat. Immediately, I grasped her head, fucking strongly, deeply, wanting desperately to cum. But it was not to be. She struggled free. Then she rose to push me roughly. I fell heavily to the bed. While I was still flopping, she adroitly secured my right wrist to the bed frame with cuffs I had used so often on her.

“Hey,” I shouted, “no fair,” canlı poker oyna jerking hard on the cuff. Unfortunately, focusing my struggle of that wrist cuff made me vulnerable, so Sylvia easily secured my left ankle. In seconds I was immobilized, stretched out, all four limbs secured.

“Hey, cut it out. You know I don’t like this sh. . . , ” I began, but my loving wife quickly shoved a ball gag in my mouth, securing it deftly with straps at the back of my head. I struggled and mumbled and thrashed, all to no avail. What the hell was she up to? How the hell was I gonna service two sweet pussies all trussed up?

“Okay, Paddy, you can come in now,” Sylvia called. I heard someone enter the room, then some rustling as if someone were undressing. A heavy presence bowed the mattress, moved up toward me. Now I felt hands, more lips, on me. I was pretty sure they were Sylvia’s, working the vein on the underside like she did so well. Legs straddled my chest. Hands removed the gag. I licked my lips in anticipation of eating pussy, something I did for Sylvia sometimes, even though I didn’t like it much. Fingers roughly held my nose closed until I opened my mouth. A large cock head, the size of a plum, suddenly filled my mouth, pushed right on past over my tongue into my throat. It was by far the largest thing I had ever had in my mouth. Whoever it was started fucking my throat.

“Jack, meet Paddy,” Sylvia said then, laughing. I could feel her weight move over the bed until she stood, one foot on each side of my head. “Paddy loves to eat pussy, don’t you, Paddy?”

“Especially yours, Sylvia, so hot and funky.”

I struggled then, thrashing my head back and forth until the unknown Paddy held my head still with both hands. I tried to bite him, but he was so big I couldn’t close my jaws. His balls were thumping my chin. I had to gasp for each breath. Finally, I had to admit defeat. I accepted my fate. Surrendered. Let it happen, I could do nothing about it. Once I stopped struggling, Paddy adjusted his position so I could breathe. The fucking went on and on.

Above me, Sylvia’s moans grew louder and louder. I had never heard her make such noises. She began to cry out, “Oh god! Oh my god!” All at once, a stream of pungent fluid splashed my face. Then again. And still he fucked on. Paddy spoke.” Don’t worry, Jack, I won’t cum in your throat. I have other plans.”

Gradually my feelings changed. The hard, velvety cock gliding over my tongue felt easy, smooth. I decided to see what would happen if I participated. The next time the fat head slid by, I licked it. “Oh Yeah,” Paddy moaned, “lick it. Suck it!”

So I did. I sucked for all it was worth, using my lips, my tongues, my throat. The more I participated, the more he moaned and grunted. At that moment I discovered something about myself. Sucking cock made me hard. My cock was as rigid as it had ever been, achingly, painfully hard.

As quickly as it had started, it ceased.

Sylvia got down from the bed.

Paddy pulled his cock from my throat, from my mouth. He, too, got off the bed.

“Wow,” I said, ” that was . . .” But the ball gag was replaced.

I felt one leg shackle being released. Then the other. I was elated. But they had been released only to be switched. I was now face down, my arms painfully crossed above me. Then they were released and switched. internet casino I could tell by the weight it was Paddy who now crawled onto the bed between my legs. Rough hands massaged my ass cheeks. One slippery finger was guided into my ass, the first time anything had entered me, ever. My asshole clenched tight in reaction. The second finger made me gasp; the third brought out my muffled cry, “Ouch!”

Paddy laughed. “More to come there, Jack. Try to relax, it is gonna happen anyway.”

The fingers worked and probed and stretched me, pulling me open, then flicking around inside. While the fingers inside hurt, I found each time he contacted the outer “lips” of my ass it was quite pleasurable. Fingers and thumbs were used then to lave my ass with lots of fluid. I knew what was coming. I had feared and fretted this moment my whole life. Every time the image had arisen to my conscious, I had driven it ruthlessly down.

When the first two inches of his formidable cock popped passed my sphincter, I screamed against the ball gag, emitting nothing but a high-pitched guttural moan and a huge quantity of saliva. Without pause or surcease, he plowed on through, immediately setting up a rhythm of long, slow strokes. I felt small, soft stokes on my back and ass, heard Sylvia’s sweet voice. “It’s okay, Jack. Try to relax. I know you’ll love it if you just relax.” I felt her fist against my ass cheeks, guiding him into me.

Paddy adjusted his angle to strike my prostate with each determined thrust. Pain metamorphosed into the depths of pleasure. My puny cock began to leak copious amounts of fluid. I collapsed to the bed, all sense of resistance gone, my rectum wide open, inviting harder, deeper penetration.

Paddy spoke, “Your father did this to my mother, Jack, after he left you and your miserable mother,” I heard Paddy say. “Yes, that’s right. You are being fucked by your brother, Jack, your half-brother, your father’s son. Take my cock, Jack. You know you love it. All those years you’ve been denying it, Jack.”

And he was right. Surrender made all the difference. total surrender to his driving cock, his overwhelming need, brought me total joy, extreme pleasure. Despite my bonds, I thrust back and up, urging him to pierce me harder, harder. Sylvia’s hands removed the gag, turned my head to the side to thrust her sopping pussy in my face, muffling my sounds of ecstasy. She was cumming hard as a result of my debasement, splashing her feminine essence across my face and down my chin. I lapped greedily at her, wanting more, more.

Paddy thrust once more deep in my tortured ass, grabbed my hips, and held tight as he unloaded his cum into me. I felt him hot and strong against my prostate. Wave after wave of orgasmic bliss washed over me until I was near unconsciousness. Paddy collapsed atop me, his body heavy on me. Sylvia fell on the bed across my face, nearly suffocating me. And the three of us dozed off in sated slumber.

So, yes, I am pissed off. I hate April 1st. My life has changed forever. My brother, Paddy, has moved in with us and makes all the rules. He often makes me watch as he takes Sylvia, uses her. And she loves it, laughs at me. Yes, I am often the April Fool. And sometimes I am only allowed to fuck her with Paddy’s permission.

But then there’s Wednesday. Wednesday is my day to service Paddy’s big cock. And I am angry he forced me to face what I had submerged so well all those years, hidden even from myself. I love to be fucked!

God damn April Fool’s Day changed everything—really complicated my life

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