My Life is You Ch. 04
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Dillon’s arms ached in a way that he couldn’t remember them having done before. His shoulders cried out each time he moved, his back throbbing in time with the beating of his heart.
None of that mattered, though. Tonight, he had done something he hadn’t believed possible just a week ago. Without any help from Nurse Sterning or Seth, he had used the bar to get himself out of bed, into the wheelchair, to the bathroom, back out and into bed again.
Who would ever have thought that a simple piss would be the greatest independent act of his life? Surely not him. It didn’t matter. Dillon felt on top of the world.
Collapsing back onto the pillows, he barely had the energy to draw the covers up and over him before falling asleep. For the first time in a long time, his sleep wasn’t bothered with dreams of hopelessness.
Unseen, Seth quietly closed the door to Dillon’s bedroom. Pride shone from his eyes. Putting his hand to the door for just a moment, he envisioned the man lying within before going back to his own bed.
The sun shone in through the drapes, dappling the floor as the trees moved languidly outside the window. Birds, newly arrived from the south, sang joyously to each other, exchanging news of their travels.
Inside, Dillon lay upon the massage table, oblivious to the world around him. All his energy, all his might, was focused upon his knee. Gasping in pain, he slowly bent his knee, letting Seth handle the weight of his leg.
Sweat beaded his body. His fingers clenched, knuckles straining white, against the edge of the table. Letting out a moan, he slowly lowered his leg back to the surface of the table.
Sucking in a breath, he began the exercise again. Raise the leg; slowly bend the knee; straighten the knee; lower the leg to the table. Once upon a time, this would have been a simple sequence. He had done many more complicated moves with his legs in the past. Now it seemed the hardest thing in the world.
Seth smiled and removed his hands from Dillon’s leg. “Your range of motion is greatly improved Dillon. You almost have your knee to a 90-degree angle.”
Dillon thought for a moment before speaking. “Will my knee ever be as strong as it once was?” He had wanted to ask for a long time, but had been too apprehensive when it came to the answer.
Sighing, Seth moved to a nearby table. “I’m not going to lie to you Dillon,” he said, picking up a bottle of massage oil and dropping it into the warmer. “You were in great shape and extremely active before the accident, so with hard work, you can be that way again. But you’re going to have a bum knee. It’s going to ache after workouts or on days you walk a lot. You’ll probably develop arthritis in that knee later on in life. Who cares, though? Most people end up with arthritis in their joints. If you want to keep up your study of the martial arts, you’ll be able to do it. If you want to do yoga again, I say go for it. You just might end up using more ice packs than you used to.”
“Martial arts?” Dillon asked, as he rolled over onto his stomach. “I wouldn’t think that would be possible. Not since I can’t, well, you know . . .”
“Oh, you already know all the forms,” Seth replied. “You can probably see them in your mind now. It doesn’t matter that you can’t see them in the mirror as long as you have someone to watch for you. Also, martial arts focuses in on sensing the world around you. It helps develop concentration and focus. I think that’s more important for you now than ever before.”
Opening the warmer, Seth used a towel to pluck the bottle of massage lotion from its steamy confines. He carried it over to the massage table and set it on the special tray designed for that task.
“Any particular areas I should concentrate on today?”
“Not really,” Dillon replied. “Although, I almost wish there were just so I’d get one of your extra-long massages.”
Seth laughed and squirted some massage lotion into his hands. “No cheating. If you want a more in-depth massage, all you have to do is ask.”
“I’m asking!” Dillon exclaimed before lowering his head down onto his folded arms.
They both fell silent as Seth began Dillon’s massage. This had become a daily ritual, one they both enjoyed. It was a quiet time, not filled with pressures or expectations for either of them. They could each relax with private thoughts.
Dillon usually just drifted, letting his mind wander. It was one of the few times he wasn’t concentrating on getting better or trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life. Sometimes, he just enjoyed the chance to lie still and do nothing.
Today, though, he was unable to drift like he normally did. Instead, his mind was focused on the knead and press and stroke of Seth’s cevizli escort hands over his body. He moaned slightly as Seth worked out a muscle knot where Dillon hadn’t known one existed.
Seth’s hands moved from his shoulders down his back. His thumbs supplied firm pressure on both sides of Dillon’s spine while his large palms transferred warmth to the broad plane of his back. The heels of his hands provided firm pressure as he stroked over Dillon’s smooth skin.
Dillon moaned again, this time from the feel of Seth’s strong hands on his body. He didn’t know if Seth was a handsome man or not, but Seth’s obviously well muscled body was beginning to become central to Dillon’s limited fantasy life.
Seth’s hands moved down to the small of Dillon’s back. His fingers brushed over the rise of Dillon’s buttocks as he continued to massage away any stress that Dillon might be feeling.
Next came Dillon’s favorite part. Seth inserted his fingers into the legs of Dillon’s shorts so that he could rub the muscles at the top of Dillon’s back thighs before moving down. Today, Dillon’s penis was rigid as it lay along his inner leg. He found himself hoping that Seth’s fingers would move inward and stroke the head of his penis.
It wasn’t meant to be, however. Instead, Seth’s hands moved farther down his legs. Dillon let out a tiny sigh as his hopes for some sign that Seth was interested faded away.
Of course, he didn’t know if Seth was into men or not. Their relationship was not really a friendship. Seth was dedicated to Dillon’s recovery and as such was a caregiver. While they had developed a type of comradery, they had never moved into the realm of confidence sharing.
Dillon didn’t even know if Seth was aware of Dillon’s homosexuality. Dillon had never spoken of the painful scene with Brad. No one in Dillon’s life, including his friends, now knew that he was single. He had discovered that, after time had gone by, he could still interact with some of his friends. They didn’t pity him, but they did have compassion for him. He could take compassion. Brad’s desertion, however, might push them over the edge into pity. There was no way he was going to have that.
Seth’s hands had moved down to Dillon’s calves. Seth was always very careful here, making sure not to cause Dillon any extra pain when near his knee.
Oh, how he would love to have Seth’s hands stroking over him in passion! Part of him wondered if he felt that way because Seth was the only man around, but another part recognized that Seth was truly a wonderful man. Dillon’s skin tingled wherever Seth touched him, even if it was the slightest brush.
If he could see, he’d know if Seth felt the same way. People, even the most reserved of people, gave away their feelings in hundreds of ways. Their eyes dilated, their nostrils flared slightly, their breathing increased when they were aroused. If they were near someone they found attractive, they would watch that person for longer periods of time than normal, often trying to do so covertly; almost always failing.
He couldn’t observe any of this, however. Did Seth watch him? Did his eyes dilate? Dillon was sure if his own eyes were properly functioning now, all you’d see was pupil.
For about the millionth time, he cursed his new blindness. He had come closer to accepting it than he had ever thought possible, but he missed being able to see someone he was attracted to. Dillon had always been a very visual man, both in and out of relationships.
He remembered watching the sunset and thanking the Lord for the beauty spread out before him. Brad had once taken him on a picnic in the park. He’d loved watching the little kids play, seeing hair flying as they jumped and slid and ran. The world offered so much visual beauty that he would never see again.
He had been just as visually stimulated in bed. The sight of a muscle pushing against skin had always been enough to make his breathing quicken. Watching Brad after a shared workout, he’d treasured the sight of sweat running down Brad’s body and imagining how he would let his tongue follow it later. Then, there was looking at an ass. Dillon was an ass man. He loved the sight, feel, taste, and smell of a well-made ass. Given the chance, he could still touch, taste, smell, but he’d never see again.
Now he felt Seth’s hands on the bottoms of his feet. Dillon shivered as Seth’s fingers moved between each of his toes. If he only knew how Seth felt, he would be on him in an instant. As it was, Dillon had to fight not to turn over, exposing how aroused he was.
Dillon concentrated on breathing deep, trying to focus his thoughts on anything other than Seth and the touch of Seth’s hands on his body. Soon, he really would have to turn over. Dillon didn’t want to betray himself erenköy escort when he did so.
The time came. Seth told him to turn over. Dillon didn’t want to hesitate and gain Seth’s attention that way, but neither did he want Seth to see the massive erection he was sporting. Deciding that no matter what, Seth was going to see the state he was in eventually, Dillon slowly turned onto his back.
Seth only hesitated a moment before picking up the bottle of massage lotion again. Squirting some onto his hands, he rubbed them together before going to work on Dillon’s shoulders and chest.
When Seth’s hands moved over Dillon’s nipples, Dillon couldn’t stop himself from moaning. Seth jerked back. Dillon heard him take a deep breath prior to resuming the massage. He continued to massage Dillon, seeming to concentrate fiercely on the task.
Inwardly, Dillon was berating himself for letting even that small bit of lust show. Outwardly, he was doing his best not to reveal any more of what he was feeling.
Once the massage was done, Seth silently moved to clean up the area. He placed the bottle of massage lotion back by the warmer and cleaned his hands with a towel. He then threw the towel into the hamper.
“Do you need me to help you into your wheelchair, Dillon?” Seth asked, his deep voice seeming thunderous in the previously silent room.
“No,” Dillon said, “I think I just want to rest here for a while before heading back to my room. I’ll manage on my own or call for help if I need it once I’m ready to move.”
Seth silently left the room.
The music in the club was loud, making conversation difficult. Waiters and waitresses in tight leather pants or skirts and red t-shirts with “Fantasia” scrawled across them moved among the throngs of people. Some carried specific orders, while others had trays of pre-made shots.
Seth sat in a corner booth with some of his friends, watching the couples on the dance floor. Next to him, Nathan was holding hands w/his current love and betting on which dance couples were about to get down and dirty. Across from him, Eric was laughing as he and Belinda made up pretend biographies for some of the more unusually dressed club goers.
His hand wrapped around a beer, Seth silently listened to his friends. Normally he would either be betting against Nathan or adding details to Eric and Belinda’s game, but tonight he just silently enjoyed their company.
He had needed badly to get out. For the past two months he had concentrated all his energy and skills on Dillon, making him the center of his life. The problem with that was that Dillon really was becoming central to his life. Seth was a professional man. Never had he crossed the line with a patient. As much as he wanted to do so now, he knew it would be wrong.
Seth was aware Dillon was gay. It would have been hard to miss. Not that Dillon acted like the stereotypical gay men you saw on television. Far from it. If Seth weren’t living in Dillon’s house, he would be convinced that Dillon was as straight as straight could be.
Given the selection of porn in Dillon’s entertainment center and the wide range of lubes available in both the bathroom and the guest bedroom, however, Dillon was either an extremely accommodating host to his gay friends, or he was gay himself.
Even that wouldn’t have been a sure-fire way to tell, but a phone call from Brad, which he had answered, was the final proof. Just yesterday, this Brad had called to check on Dillon. Since Dillon no longer even kept a telephone in his bedroom, it was up to Seth and Mrs. Sterning to catch all the incoming calls.
Brad had been very relieved when Dillon hadn’t been the one to answer the phone. As far as Seth was concerned, Brad had also been a scum-sucking shit bag. When Brad had said he was a friend of Dillon’s and asked how Dillon was doing, Seth had offered to take the phone to Dillon.
Talk about backtracking fast! Brad had been very hasty to say he just couldn’t talk to Dillon now. It would be too hard on him, knowing that Dillon was handicapped (a word Seth hated) and that their relationship had ended at such a time. Brad had assured Seth that things were practically over between Dillon and him anyway, but then he had given that nervous little laugh that was the hallmark of a bad liar.
No wonder Dillon had been in such bad emotional health when Seth arrived. Losing your sight and worrying about your future physical health were terrifying things. But having the man you loved dump you because of his problems with it, well that was just beyond brutal.
“Earth to Seth, Earth to Seth,” Eric’s voice intruded into his thoughts. “Hey, baby brother, wake up over there!”
Seth smiled, looking into esenyurt escort eyes identical to his own. It always amused him when Eric called him “baby brother.” After all, they were only fifteen minutes apart in age.
“I’m awake, Eric.” Seth replied. “My eyes are open and everything.”
Belinda laughed. “Your eyes are open, and your brain’s engaged, but the two aren’t working together.”
“What on earth does that mean?”
“It means that a gorgeous man has been trying to get your attention for the past fifteen minutes and you haven’t even noticed,” Nathan replied, pointing toward another booth just a few feet away.
Nathan was right. The guy was gorgeous. He had dark brown hair that was just short of being black. It curled just a bit, but not much since it was cut too short to really have enough to curl. His pale skin contrasted nicely with a pair of sparkling aquamarine eyes. He obviously worked out, since his biceps were straining the arms of his shirt. All in all, normally he was the sort of guy Seth would have gone for.
Seth was stunned to find he wasn’t interested at all. His body was too contrived. It was clear that his muscles came from the gym and the gym alone. No amount of hard work or athletics put them there. While his mouth was nicely sculpted, it wasn’t full, begging to be kissed.
“I think someone’s going to get lucky tonight!” Nathan boasted. “Besides me,” he hastily added, turning to kiss Greg on the mouth.
Greg traced his fingertip around Nathan’s lip, then pushed him away playfully. “You hope you’re getting lucky!”
“Come on, you guys!” Belinda exclaimed. “Let Seth decide for himself if he’s going to try and hook up with that guy. Besides, it’s not all about getting lucky. Have any of you thought about the fact that they might be a relationship waiting to happen?”
Eric picked up Belinda’s hand and said, “I’m not going to answer that on the grounds that I might piss you off and end up being the only guy at this table not to get lucky tonight.”
Even Seth laughed at that one. Of course, he didn’t believe for a moment that Belinda was going to cut Eric off tonight. Even after four years of marriage, Belinda and Eric still steamed up the room whenever they were together. Seth only knew of one occasion when Eric had been left on the couch, and that had been early on in their marriage. Now, they seemed to have the best marriage he had ever seen.
“So, what are you waiting for bro?” Eric asked. “Go talk to your man!”
“No, I don’t think so,” Seth said, taking a sip of his beer. “I’m here to hang out with all of you, not troll for guys.”
The four others exchanged a look. Then Greg leaned forward. “Look, Seth, I’ve known you the shortest amount of time, but even I can tell there’s something wrong. Is it anything you want to talk about?”
Seth thought before answering. On the one hand, he didn’t really know what was wrong. On the other, talking things out was usually the best help a person could have.
“Earlier today, I was doing another session with my client. I’ve told you about him. The guy who was blinded and shattered his knee in a car accident.” Everyone nodded; indicating that they remembered what Seth was talking about. “Well, after each training session, I give him a massage, help him to relax before he heads back to his room.”
“That’s pretty standard from what you’ve told us,” Eric said. “I thought you did that with most of your clients.”
Sighing, Seth said, “I do. There are a lot of therapeutic reasons that I won’t bore you with, but I definitely believe it’s a good practice. This was different, though. He got hard during the massage and I found myself wanting to caress him more than massage him. I’ve never felt this way toward a client before.”
“Maybe you can’t have him as a client then,” Belinda said. “Maybe you and he are meant to be something more. But I know you. You firmly believe in maintaining your professionalism. You’d never cross the line with a client. So, in order for you to find out what you could have with this guy, you may have to stop being his therapist.”
“It’s not that easy,” Seth replied. “His boyfriend dumped him just after the accident. Two previous therapists have dropped him. I can’t do that too. After all, he’s come so far. What would another person walking away from him do?”
“Then you’ll have to keep yourself distanced,” Eric said. “Help him. He needs you now. When this is all over, when he’s walking again, let him walk away.”
Let Dillon walk away. How on earth could he do that? The only time Seth wanted to see the back of Dillon was when he had his hands on him.
Eric had a point however. So did Belinda. It would be unethical to use the close relationship that a therapist forms with his patient to get that patient in bed. Seth couldn’t go there. He’d not only be in danger of losing his license, he’d also never forgive himself.
Dillon deserved a physical therapist that had his best interests at heart. Seth definitely had that. Morosely, Seth realized that would have to be enough because he could never let there be more.
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